Underwire

This is my blog and I can publish what I want. Without further ado:

Here are five busted old men I desire carnally. 

Actually, a lot of ado. I need to set this up a bit. You know when you watch, say, Game of Thrones, when you’re a 16 year old high school student and you see your first silver fox and something changes in you. You didn’t know old men could be chill with it like that. That it all starts to click why you don’t think any of the boys in your classes are cute – they’re all too cherubic and literally children. That even in college you don’t think the guys are that cute but oooh that one hot professor, who, actually, now that I think about it wasn’t hot at all by anyone’s standards except something deep inside that I guess was unlocked by the first time I saw Liam Cunningham as Davos Seaworth and then again when I saw Liam Cunningham as the dad in A Little Princess.

While I do have a crush on Liam Cunningham, he’s not the subject of this train of thought, but rather the trigger of my path to true Ossan Appreciator.

An ossan is one of [deity of your choosing]’s greatest creations, up there with beer and cozy socks. More literally, an ossan/おっさん  is an “old” or “middle-aged man”, usually one that is attractive, sometimes in spite of, and sometimes despite his age. Sometimes two ossan fall in love and engage in something called “old man yaoi.” You’ll understand when you’re older.

Anyway, as an Ossan Appreciator, I believe we need to introduce this term into the western lexicon. “Silver fox” already exists, yes, but most agree a silver fox necessarily has to be graying. What about the unnecessarily sexy middle-aged men who haven’t gone gray? And what about those who have but dyed their grays and we don’t know that they have them? Also, name a silver fox. There are only like three guys who apply, because Society doesn’t want us to find old men attractive. (And they don’t want us to find old women attractive either but I digress.)

Here’s the thing: I am sick and tired of George Clooney, that guy from the Dos Equis commercials, and King Triton. Actually, that’s how problematic this “silver fox” thing is – most of them are fictional! We need justice for busted-but-beautiful-old-men. The guys who would be middle managers at an insurance company if it weren’t for unbridled sexual swag they stow deep inside. Justice for:

• Steve Buscemi
• Dermot Mulroney
• Brian Cox 

And the other old men who we don’t spend enough time objectifying. 

Evolutionary psychologists and pickup artists alike have argued that it is natural and biologically advantageous for older men to chase younger women. If you’re Henry VIII and desperate for a male heir, things like “fecundity” matter in a partner, but for the rest of the world, that’s creep-speak for the already-creepy “I like ‘em young”. Most men, if I can be so bold, are not interested in the “reproductive potential” of their Tinder matches.  

While the inverse – that younger women prefer older men – has also been studied and hypothesized (younger women look for earning-potential in a partner, and older men typically earn more than younger men), it doesn’t explain physical attraction. Try looking up “why women find older men attractive” and see the flood of blog posts and Quora answers musing that “Older men know how to satisfy us”. But I’m not in a position to date the ossan of my eye. I’m not interested in Jeff Goldblum’s bank account, I am interested in his c–[gunshots ring out] 

Without further ado (for real this time) here is the final list: top five busted old men I want to f-[shot by firing squad]

5. Tony Shalhoub 

Growing up, we were a Psych family. I was so sure James Roday Rodriguez was the handsomest man in the world. While you waited for Psych to air, you had to catch the last few minutes of Monk. The quirky, anxious Adrian Monk and his 312 phobias made a wholesome counterpart to the seven million gritty Law & Orders that had held our evenings hostage. 

As Mr. Monk, Tony Shalhoub was always put in a situation despite absolutely hating situations. Such a cruel thing to do to the man. Mr. Monk was pitiable, not unlike a small dog. But Tony Shalhoub is not Mr. Monk. No, he is an actor playing Mr. Monk. Mr. Shalhoub is clever, charismatic, and kinda hot. 

I think it’s the way his eyes squint when he smiles. 

4. Ian McElhinney

Okay, I don’t think he is busted, but I think he is so plain in the face it’s hard to take a stance on anything about him. 

As Barristan Selmy, Ian McElhinney a “wait, who is this guy?” guy. He wasn’t important enough to remember, which is great, because it made the world of Westeros believable. Not everyone in real life can be the main character. But one thing about Game of Thrones casting is that it was full of hotties, making McElhinney functionally indistinguishable from an extra despite being named. 

ON THE OTHER HAND as Granda Joe in Derry Girls, McElhinney had the third best role in the show and earned it with his lilted cruelty. Hot grandpa territory for sure.

3. Larry David

I don’t know. I don’t know. Please don’t make me elaborate. 

2. Willem Dafoe 

If you apparently don’t know already, Willem Dafoe has an “enormous d*ck” that is “too big” and “confus[ing]”. This is not a critical point of Willem Dafoe’s charm, but like an Easter Egg that you can smile to yourself and remember every time you see a photo of him.

Willem Dafoe is like if Mads Mikkelsen was an imp. Or if a skull was alive. Or if Danny Devito was put into a machine and they spit out someone with the exact opposite facial structure.

If you look up “ugly hot” in the dictionary, it would be a picture of him. He’s got deep set eyes, a nose identical to a children’s book depiction of a witch, and fishy lips. Put it together, add the knowledge that his dick is massive, and you have one of the most charismatic men in Hollywood. I haven’t seen The Lighthouse but I should change that soon… 

1. Ben Mankiewicz 

When you go home, what’s on TV? What is playing at a low volume as background noise to phone-speaker-on scrolling through TikTok, Words With Friends chiming it’s someone’s turn? For some houses, it’s Fox News. For my parent’s house, it’s Turner Classic Movies. 

TCM is always on. Usually it’s on because someone failed to turn off the TV in my parents’ bedroom after watching a lesser Bette Davis movie. Sometimes it’s because the family is gathering around the fire for a seasonally-appropriate showing of Auntie Mame (1958) (NOT Mame (1974)). 

Kids these days are ushered into the movie mindset by Nicole Kidman in a crystal-pinstripe Michael Kors jumpsuit – “somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this,” but, somehow, heartbreak feels even better at home when someone even sexier in a pinstripe suit (or navy, or tan, or bright blue) introduces me to the storied history of the celluloid I am about to enjoy.

It wasn’t until recently that I started to appreciate my feelings for Ben Mankiewicz. He’s the whole reason I am here (writing this blog) today (February 7th 2024). I think in the 50s, or in the 80s version of the 50s, I would’ve said something like “I just think he’s cute.” But these days women are liberated and can say what they wish about a man. I don’t think Ben Mankiewicz is cute. I want to take him in my teeth and shake my head like a dog recalling primordial memories of lupine savagery. I see his tiny little pug face and feel a sneer crawl up my cheeks like a tall-dark-and-handsome (but-not-actually-dark-just-a-white-guy-with-dark-hair) male lead from one of those ~*~dark fantasy~*~ romance novels I am forced to know about. These, as I understand it, are the cumulative effects of raw, unfiltered lust trapped in my lymph nodes. 

I, as much as you, want to know why. I’ve attempted to do the research (see the text before the list), but there is no pseudoscientific field willing to take on the hard but necessary work of researching why I desire a busted old man. I am not the first woman to feel like this, as evidenced by the existence of the ossan archetype, but no one wants to answer why sometimes people who are ugly are the hottest.

If you made it this far, let me know: who is your ugly old man?

Ciao for now

K